David Lee Roth thinks he knows why Sammy Hagar keeps talking about him.
In a video posted to YouTube titled “The Ballad of Popsicle Sam,” Van Halen’s original frontman concluded that the Red Rocker must have been “sex probed” by aliens.
“According to Sam, he was abducted by aliens,” Roth explained, referring to Hagar’s belief that he had an alien encounter as a teenager.
“I know that when you’re abducted by aliens you get sex probed,” Roth insisted. “I am compelled to solicit this sordid subject in an effort to explain Sam Hagar’s conduct. For the last 10 summers I haven’t said a single syllable about him. Not one. I defy you. And in the face of a constant fart gas aimed in our direction here at the Mojo Dojo Diamond Dave Laboratories. And I think we’ve arrived at both the technical and the medical answer that may explain some of Sammy Hagar’s conduct and his constant spew of diarrhea vitriol in our direction. Sammy Hagar was abducted by aliens and he was sex probed.”
Roth went on to ponder how an alien might examine a human, ultimately admitting he had “no idea” of the means or apparatus that would be used.
“But what I do know with absolute accuracy is that if you take a half of a popsicle and you jam it into a cassette tape player, no matter how carefully you extract it, that tape player will never play the same again,” Roth concluded. “No matter how carefully you try and fix those delicate little parts. And it’ll get worse and it’ll seem like the singer that you used to [be] will stop making sense whatsoever. A lot like Sam.”
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